RtH Ass-Clown Rankings, DLaaDS Edition

Sorry for the delay, all. Having to update my vitae for a new job search kept me away from the AC Rankings yesterday. So let’s get right to it, the Day Late and a Dollar Short edition!

5. Frank McCourt, Owner, LAD. Last week: 4. Creating more drama by calling the commish an ass (the fact that he is, well, that’s beside the point), does not bode well for getting off the AC Rankings. Frankie, he ain’t duckin’ ya. He’s writing you off. Hello? The message is pretty clear. Yer out!

4. Yovanni Gallardo, SP, MIL. Last week: NR. Ok, lemme get this straight. You consider yourself an ace, but you haven’t had a Quality start since April 5. Then there is that pesky 6.10 ERA, 1.69 WHIP and 17 walks, all in only 41.1 IP. Um, dude, you’ve been outpitched by Chris Narveson. CHRIS NARVESON!!!! Articles on Yo’s performance point to an issue with patience. Huh?! Don’t think meat, just throw.

3. Dustin Pedroia, IF, BOS. Last week: NR. Good Christ, could this guy whine any more? I watch the Sox on Extra Innings a lot due to my girlfriend being a fan. And pretty much every game he’s bawling about something. Today I watched little Mr. Baldspot bitch at the ump after a strike out, claiming he’d foul tipped the third strike. Replays showed he’d missed the ball by a wide margin. Yet, there he is, crying and moping to the ump. Yo, D! Shut it! And get some spray-on hair for the bald spot while you’re at it!

2. Roger McDowell, Coach, ATL. Last week: NR. You can’t fix stupid.

1.Derek Lowe, SP, ATL. Last week: NR. Come on, guys. Really? You’re making this too easy. 1-800-CALL-A-CAB-ASSHOLE.

I’m gonna go have a few beers and NOT drive. See ya next week!

RtH Ass-Clown Rankings, POATW Edition

Tough times have fallen here in Ass-clown land. Due to some extremely underpants gnome-like administrating, I am without a job. And while it's hard to not put my former employers in this week's AC Ranks, these rankings are for baseball, not real-life. And I promise that my real-life problems will only make me all the more snarky for this week's version of the Relay to Home Ass-Clown Rankings, The Pissed Off at the World Edition And awaaayy we go!

5. Jim Tressell, HC, Ohio State. Last week, NR. What? This isn't allowed? Bite me! I had a rough week, I hate OSU and these are my rankings. So, nyahh! I work hard to make sure that I do my job right, yet still lose my job. This tool ignores a major component of his job, compliance, yet he'll probably keep his gig. The fine he'll pay for his buffoonery would have helped in keeping my former employer from declaring bankruptcy.

4. Frank McCourt, Owner, LAD. Last week, NR. For starters, he's an owner, which makes him an automatic dink. Now he can't seem to get divorced without turning into a drama filled soap-opera. Dude, you're a frickin' gajillionaire! Give the broad what she wants and move on and maybe let your team operate without all these distractions. The cash he's gonna give up to his ex would have more than helped keep my job from disappearing.

3. Manny Ramirez, ex-OF, kicked out retired. Last week, 2nd. I checked, yup, he's still an Ass-Clown. Million dollar bat...ten cent head. He'd be an automatic administrator with my former employer.

2. Josh Hamilton, OF, TEX. Last week, 1st. He didn't give me any reason to remove him from the rankings yet, but like my former employer, he blamed his own incompetence on someone else.

1. Mike Leake, SP, CIN. Last week, NR. Must. Resist. Urge. To. Kill. The amount of money this douchebag makes in one year would have also been enough to keep my former employer from folding. Yet he feels he doesn't have to pay for $50 worth of t-shirts? Um, don't you get crap-loads of free shit already for being a major- league ballplayer? INCLUDING T-SHIRTS!?!? Tell you what. Pay me 1/8 of your salary and I'll serve as your personal t-shirt buyer. Stop the damn world, I wanna get off.

See you next week, dammit.

RtH Ass-Clown Rankings, Inaugural Edition, 2011

Um, hi. My name is John. And I’m a Milwaukee Brewers fan.

That’s all you need to know about my baseball history. I’ve watched MANY awful baseball players through the years as a Milwaukee fan, and slowly began to realize that, year after year, I always had a list of “most hated” players by the end of the season. A couple of seasons ago I started posting these rankings on my Facebook page, under the title of The Brewers Ass-Clown Rankings. Jeff Suppan was the first and only #1 on the list for 2 years until his contract finally came off the Brewers’ books this spring.

When Jay asked me if I wanted to contribute a weekly (ha!) MLB Ass –Clown Ranking for Relay to Home, it was a no brainer. Heck, yeah! There are plenty of the other Ass-Clown players and fans out there that I can make fun of! This’ll be a hoot!

I admit, this won’t be very scientific and is meant to be tongue-in-cheek. My hope is that this part of RtH will be the witty and lighted-hearted side to the serious and more in-depth analysis that you will find on this blog. Some weeks may be totally devoted to my team, others to the entire MLB or even other teams (I think the Cubs might a regular target of mine).

So, without further delay, here is the Inaugural Ass-Clown Rankings for April 16, 2011:

5) Yovanni Gallardo, P, Milwaukee Brewers. Yeah, it’s a homer pick. So what of it? C’mon, Yo. Giving up homers to Danny Espinosa and Ivan Rodriguez? 7 runs in 5.1 IP with an ineffiecient 105 pitches? Not the stuff of a staff ace there, my friend.

4) Chone Figgins, IF, Seattle Mariners. Chone, you’re here for making be believe in Spring Training that you might actually have a good year and subsequently drafting you in my Fantasy League. I will now commence pronouncing your first name how it is actually spelled, Cho-nee.

3) Carl Crawford, OF, Boston Red Sox. He’s been placed here mostly at the request of my Red Sox-fan friends (cough, girlfriend), but admittedly, he has really stunk of the joint so far this season. Dude, relax, you're a great player on a great team. Don't let those idiot fans in Bahston freak you out so wicked hahd!

2) Manny Ramirez, OF, Tampa Bay Rays. Most think that Manny should be #1, but that would be too easy. Still, Manny, step away from the powdered supplements!

Drum Roll, please! And this weeks No. 1 Ass-Clown is…………………..

Josh Hamilton, OF, Texas Rangers. No, he’s not here because he broke his arm. That was a just unlucky. He’s here because he threw his third-base coach under bus and blamed him for the fact he broke his arm. Good grief! Really? It’s amazing what millions of dollars does to your perception of the world around you. You stay classy, Josh! Enjoy your stay on the DL and, more importantly, atop the MLB AC Ranking!